By Kieron Murdoch | Opinion Contributor

Most of the nation’s students went back to school today, and for a parent who has been heading to work for two months without having to do pick-ups in the afternoon, there’s a chance they may forget their child at school today. Does that happen often on the first day? We couldn’t really say. But there are other ways in which we as parents do sometimes forget our children at school.

We become so consumed with the daily grind of making ends meet or keeping our heads above water, that we treat school and everything else our children are involved in as replacements for our attention and our interest in them as parents. Some parents have jobs that demand time at work and at home. Some are doing two jobs in addition to a side hustle. Some parents are running a business or trying to get one off the ground.

If you’re a business owner or an entrepreneur, then you know the ceaseless demands of running the shop well – the oversight, the afterhours, the midnight hours, the billing, the relationships, the bad months, the tragically bad months, and the months where you are thinking, “Why did I do this in the first place?? Is my family going to be homeless next month??”

Whether you’re employed, self-employed, or an employer, and whether you’re making ends meet, or trying to maintain a higher standard of living that you fought bitterly to build, finding the time to socialise and check in on your children in meaningful ways may be difficult. It’s also easy to feel that because you are putting bread on the table, keeping the lights on, meeting the school fees, and paying for every after-session and field trip, that you are damn well doing more than enough.

But this is how parents sometimes forget their children at school, so to speak. We enroll them where they should be enrolled. We move heaven and earth to pay for the things they need. We drop them to, fro, up, down, in, out, backwards, forwards, left, right, and centre. And sometimes, when their friends need a lift (with zero notice), we drop up and down too. But are we really staying connected to them and involved in what they do?

Between taking them hither and thither, are we aware of their grades, their friends, the attitudes they’re developing, whether they are in a romantic relationship, where they go if they have idle time, and their mental health? We think we are on top of these things by simply asking them, “How are your grades?” “How was practice?” and “How are your friends?”

Truthfully, you can be so absorbed as a parent, that if your children appear to be okay, you shift focus to the bread and butter work that puts food on their plates, clothes on their backs, and pays their exorbitant fees. How much do we engage with their teachers and their school in general? Are there school opportunities we would want them to take advantage of that we know too little about? Have we met their friends? Is it worth knowing their friends’ parents?

Do we have in our own minds a sense of where they ought to be going in life, or are we leaving it up to them? Do we speak to them about their future? Are we assuming that schools will just naturally imbue them with a clear sense of purpose and vision? And that they will naturally choose a path early and commit to it? Some do, and others don’t. It’s important that parents, who understand the realities of the world, counsel them.

Most importantly, it is important that we continue to build our own relationship with our children – one built on mutual respect, compassion and love. They require you to be present emotionally, and not just physically. That can be difficult when everything else you do leaves you emotionally, physically and financially drained.

Find time for meals together. Find time to laugh. Find time to get out of their home and socialise in the same space before they are old enough to only seek the company of their friends. Look at them as intelligent individuals. Let them know how you are doing. Explain to them (without creating guilt) the work that goes into keeping all that goes on around them running. Tell them your hopes for them.

Be vulnerable and mature enough to apologise when you feel you have acted in a way that warrants it. Remember that displaying stubbornness and a lack of accountability for your actions will only encourage them to do the same.

Sometimes, all you want is not to have to repeat yourself 10 times before they take heed. Sometimes, the attitude they bring threatens to send you into a fit. They will wear your down day and night – that’s what youngsters do. They require you, in spite of it all, to display patience – perhaps the most noble of virtues one can aspire to as a parent.

Still, be their parent first. Your first concern is their best interest, whether or not they realise it. Hear them out, yes. But if they scorn you today for making a better decision on their behalf, take solace in the fact that they will never know the consequences of a worse decision had it been made to appease them.

Truthfully, good parenting is difficult in the best of circumstances, and fiercely harder in worse circumstances. You’re expected to provide materially and financially, encourage discipline without being a brute, instill respect without stoking fear, transfer values despite every other influence surrounding them, love them when you are emotionally drained, display patience when they show you contempt, dispense punishment with reason and not in wrath, support them in school, support them in life, ensure they’re well-rounded, and set them on a path to model citizenship.

Nevermind if you yourself are struggling to make income, are running from your creditors, are coping with your own mental health crisis, are working a job you hate and want to quit, are in a troubled marriage or relationship, are struggling to achieve your own ambitions, are doing it alone, are desperate for support from your family, are exhausted, are stressed, are numb, are unable to take a vacation, have run out of sick days, are unable to find time for yourself, are unable to exercise like you used to, are unhappy with your health, are unwell, and are looking after your parents as well as your children.

We didn’t even discuss the home – who cooks, who cleans, who washes, who irons, who cuts, who trims, who fixes, who shops, who folds, who tucks, who sweeps, and who scrubs. It’s tough. In fact, it’s ridiculous.

But if a parent loves their child, it somehow makes the mountain of parenthood climbable. Not an easy climb, no. More likely, a grueling journey that will leave you with frostbite. But still, you are more certain that the summit can and must be reached despite the steep inclines, the persistent blizzard, and the reality that help is often far off. So, we tip our hats to all the parents on their climb, determined, despite the difficulty.

“The best inheritance a parent can give his children is a few minutes of his time each day.” – O. A. Battista

“Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.” — W.E.B. DuBois

“Children learn to smile from their parents.” – Shinichi Suzuki

“Love your parents. We are so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old.” – Unknown

About the writer:

Kieron Murdoch worked as a journalist and later as a radio presenter in Antigua and Barbuda for eight years, covering politics and governance especially. He is an opinion contributor at antigua.news. If you have an opinion on the issues raised in this editorial and you would like to submit a response by email to be considered for publication, please email staff@antigua.news.